


Early Valentine

by theshycoconut



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Anal Sex, Food Kink, Light Angst, M/M, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-13 02:15:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1209043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshycoconut/pseuds/theshycoconut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Lister makes an effort and Rimmer ruins everything... or does he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Early Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a present for derpygalaxy on tumblr. I wasn't really sure where to go with this so its kind of a mish-mash of lots of headcanons and ideas all sewn up into a loose story.

Do do do do do doo do.

Lister hummed happily as he examined his freshly shaved jaw in the mirror. Maybe it was the mellowing effect of age or the fact that the ship and its crew had been running smoother recently than they had for several years, but Lister had felt more productive and optimistic than he had for a long time. He’d started planning several weeks ago; he was going to surprise Rimmer with a romantic evening, show him that he could be caring and spontaneous and well dressed and everything Rimmer deserved. He’d had Kryten prepare a fancy dinner, the type that would have been served to the captain and his officers back when the ship’s old crew were still alive, no takeaway curries and six-packs of lager tonight, and he’d been surreptitiously scanning any derelicts they’d found for personal grooming supplies that he could free them of.

“Of course, sir. May I ask what is the occasion?” Kryten had cheerily replied when Lister first breached the idea of a slap-up meal. It was a difficult question for Lister, it was nowhere near anyone’s birthday, a good few weeks until Christmas and he and Rimmer had no anniversary to really speak of. It had taken years of confused and ashamed attraction before they had finally consummated their lust on the bottom bunk of their shared sleeping quarters, and months after that before they both realised they had accidentally started making love instead of fucking. Amidst all the emotion, the heartache and the many small victories and triumphs on their way to becoming a couple, it was nigh impossible to attach significance to a single date.

“Call it a late Valentine’s.” Lister said after some hesitation.

“But, sir, it’s November!” Kryten protested.

“An early Valentine’s then!” Lister snapped. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter, since when do we need an excuse for a party?”

That had been 6 weeks ago and now the day was finally here. Lister rubbed the last of the aftershave into his face and stood back to view himself in the mirror. He wore a classic, simple black suit and white shirt combo with a black bow tie, the only formal and entirely clean clothes he owned. He’d devoted an entire hour earlier that morning solely to shining his shoes which now glimmered from under the slightly too long legs of his trousers. His hair had been washed, face shaved, ear and nose hair trimmed.

“Looking good,” Lister muttered to himself as he adjusted his tie and smoothed his little fingers over his eyebrows. He looked around the bunkroom he’d shared with Rimmer since he first joined Red Dwarf. It was immaculate. He’d spent his day off cleaning it and decorating it to Rimmer’s taste. He checked his watch; ten to eight. Rimmer was due back from his shift in the drive room in ten minutes, and Kryten would serve them dinner a quarter of an hour later. Enough time for Rimmer to be sufficiently impressed with Lister’s appearance and then scrub up a bit himself.

5 minutes to go. Lister moved to position himself under the “Surprise” banner he’d made and strung up between the bunks and the wash-station. As the stood there, he felt a nervous twinge in the pit of his stomach. “What if something goes wrong?” He thought. “What if Rimmer doesn’t like it?” 

“Relax,” he reassured himself, “He’ll love it. How many times have you heard Rimmer complain about your appearance? And the state of the room? Trust me; he’ll be over the moon.”

At 8pm on the dot, Rimmer strode purposely into the bunkroom. “Good evening Listy, how was your day sleeping in and slobbing arou-“ he started before falling silent as he registered the decorations and the newly smartened Lister standing self consciously in front of him. “What’s all this?” he asked, his face hardening defensively.

Lister had been prepared for this, for it to take a while to win Rimmer over. Rimmer had always had insecurities, that much had been obvious to any and all who met him, but Lister had never truly realised how messed up he really was until they started going out. Many of these insecurities were long seated; most, Lister suspected, would be around forever, but he had made it his life’s goal to help Rimmer, in any way he could. Ironic really, given that Rimmer had originally only been resurrected as a hologram by Holly to keep Lister sane. 

“It’s a surprise!” Lister exclaimed, mustering all of his enthusiasm. “For you,” he added helpfully. Rimmer’s expression didn’t improve. In fact he looked even more distrustful and betrayed as he scrutinised Lister’s appearance. 

“Why are you dressed like that?” Rimmer questioned further.

“It’s all part of the surprise.” Lister explained patiently. “I’ve arranged a romantic evening; Kryten’s making us something special and I’ve done my best to dress up for you. I mean, I know I’m not quite officer material yet, but I’ve tried my best and-“ Lister was shocked into silence as Rimmer suddenly sat down on his bunk with his head in his hands. A second later, he was even more shocked to find that Rimmer was sobbing.

“Rimmer, man, what’s wrong?” Lister rushed to his partner’s side. “Are you alright?”

Rimmer took a deep breath and wiped his eyes with his sleeve before sitting upright again. “Me? Yeah, I’m fine,” he waved a hand in front of his face, dismissing the question.

“I’m sorry, but you’re clearly not.” Lister said gently. “You can tell me what’s up, come on.” Rimmer opened his mouth as if to speak but hesitated before any sound could come out. 

“Dinner is served, gentlemen!” Kryten enthused as he bustled into the room pushing a serving tray. Rimmer promptly shut his mouth again in a taut line. Kryten placed two steaming plates of food on the pre-made table before turning around to face the two men sitting on the bunk. His face dropped when he saw Rimmer’s tear stained eyes and he took a concerned step forward.

“Cheers, Kryters.” Lister said quickly, without looking up. Kryten took that as his cue to leave.

“Well, this could have gone better,” Lister thought to himself as they sat in awkward silence over barely touched plates of probably the best food they’d had in years. His eyes gazed over Rimmer’s face, worry lines standing out underneath the “H” on his forehead, the corners of his mouth turned down in thought and his glazed-over eyes staring down at his plate. Lister desperately wanted to know what was wrong, what he’d done and, most importantly, what he could do to fix it. He could hardly stand to see his lover like this. 

“Listy…” Rimmer murmured quietly, after Kryten had cleared away the last of their dishes.

“Yes?” Lister said immediately, looking up, his rushed voice betraying the concern he’d been holding in all night. 

“I- I’m sorry about tonight. You put in so much effort and I- I’m just so sorry.”

“Look, man, just tell me what I did wrong and I can fix it for next time. No hard feelings.”

“What you…? Oh God, Lister, no. Tonight was amazing, the meal was amazing you look… amazing.” Rimmer smiled as he seemed to focus on Lister’s appearance for the first time that night, taking in every exquisite detail. “Too amazing. The only problem here is me.”

“What do you mean?” Lister asked. “I thought that you hated my slobby habits, you always said you wanted me to dress better.”

“Yes, I know that’s what I’ve always said, but I never meant it! It was good-natured banter, humorous teasing, I never thought you’d actually listen to me! And now you just look so perfect, so much… better then me.” Rimmer finally spat out, clearly disgusted in himself. “And I know this makes me sound like a whiney, arrogant smeghead-“ 

“But Rimmer, you are a whiney, arrogant smeghead. In fact I think that’s one of your best features.” 

Rimmer smiled a little. It had taken him a few years for him to fully accept the humor and affection in Lister’s good-natured insults, even though he’d been using the same technique on Lister from the start, but by now they had become a staple feature when comforting one another. “-But my smartness was the only thing I was ever really proud of, the only thing I did better than you, the one way I could feel superior to you.” Rimmer continued. “You may not have realised it Lister; chubby scouse git that you are, but you intimidated me,” he finished with a smirk, though Lister could plainly see the pain he was attempting to hide. He’d never considered before why Rimmer spent so much time on his appearance, and to imagine that it had been the only thing he could actually stand about himself, made Lister feel quite ill.

“Oh, Arnie.” Lister whispered. Rimmer glanced at him, his eyes creased with feigned amusement. 

“And, of course, it was the only thing I had growing up,” said Rimmer, becoming more animated as the memories became more raw. Lister easily recognised Rimmer’s often used coping strategy. “While my brothers got the looks, the brains, the talent, I got… this.” Rimmer continued, gesturing to his body. “But I could tie a Half-Windsor before I could tie my shoelaces.”

Despite himself, Lister laughed. He could easily imagine a young Rimmer, all dressed up, immaculately smart, standing there, beaming proudly with untied shoelaces.

“So, do you understand at all?” Rimmer questioned. “It’s completely smegged up, I know.”

“No, no. I get it,” said Lister, reassuringly. “Besides, to tell you the truth, I feel right out of my comfort zone in this.” He gestured to his suit. “I can’t wait to get back into a curry stained t-shirt and jeans.”

Rimmer nodded curtly. “Well, thank you for…” he hesitated. “It was definitely a lovely evening. But I think I just want a shower and an early night.” He confessed, before standing up and making his way to the bathroom. “Oh, and see if you can’t wipe some of that muck back on your face before tomorrow morning, hmm?” he said pointedly to Lister.

Lister jumped out of his chair. “Hang on! Don’t move, I’ve got an idea” he shouted as he sprinted out of the bunkroom and down the corridor. Rimmer heard his footsteps grow faint and disappear for a minute or two before reappearing and growing louder until Lister poked his head around this door frame. “Why don’t you help me with that?” he said seductively, walking into the room and closing the door, giving them privacy. In one hand he clutched a can of whipped cream, in the other a squeezy bottle of chocolate sauce.

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. “Is that a challenge?” he asked, images and scenes of possibilities filling his mind. 

Lister grinned and tossed Rimmer the can, throwing the bottle on the bed. “If you think you’re up to it” he said, beginning to undo his tie.

“Ah, ah.” Rimmer stopped him. “Leave the suit on. By the time I’m finished with you, you’re never going to want to wear it again. Rimmer squirted a generous helping of cream into his hands as he walked towards Lister, and massaged it into his hair as their lips met in a kiss.

*********

20 minutes later, the empty can lay discarded in a corner of the room, surrounded by pieces of Lister’s whipped cream stained suit. Lister himself lay on his back on the bottom bunk, naked except for his underwear, with Rimmer on top of him licking the last of the cream off his chest. When he was satisfied Lister’s nipples were clean enough, Rimmer’s hand moved down to slip into his underwear. Lister slapped it away.

“Now, now, not yet. You’ve got to leave something to the imagination.” He said, playfully. “Beside’s it’s your turn now.”

“My- what?” Rimmer sat up in surprise as a stream of chocolate sauce him across his face. “You little- watch out, you’re going to ruin my jacket!”

“No I’m not, you’re a hologram.” 

“It’s the principle Lister.” Rimmer said, as his clothes melted effortlessly off of him “Anyway, have you already forgotten about what happened earlier? What we’re doing this for in the first place?” 

“Oh. Yeah, sorry man.” Lister said sheepishly, handing the bottle of chocolate sauce to Rimmer. “Why don’t you carry on. I think it was helping.” He gestured helpfully to his underwear, straining against the erection contained underneath.

Rimmer furrowed his brow in concentration and looked down at the man in front of him before wordlessly upending the bottle over his head, letting the sweet, sticky sauce drip down his face and onto his bare chest. Lister blinked at the sight for a second and then pulled Rimmer down into a passionate kiss. 

When they finally broke apart, Lister pushed Rimmer down to lie on the bed and set about the task of licking Rimmer’s body clean. His tongue glided down the side of his lover’s neck, the soft tingle of Rimmer’s hard light skin and the taste of chocolate mingling in his mouth to increase Lister’s arousal. When he reached Rimmer’s torso, Lister could hear the gentle purr of his light bee quicken in time with their breaths and Rimmer let out a small moan. By the time Lister reached Rimmer’s groin he was rock hard and his moans were becoming more rhythmic. Lister ran his tongue over the head of Rimmer’s cock, causing his breath to hitch and his hips to thrust forward, longingly. 

“You don’t look like you’re gonna last much longer.” Lister observed, sitting up to straddle his lover.

“I-I’m not.” Rimmer agreed breathlessly.

“Shame, I was enjoying that chocolate sauce.” Lister smiled. He leaned forward and planted a last kiss on Rimmer’s lips before flipping him over to expose his ass. After hurriedly removing his underwear, Lister reached for a bottle of lube in the alcove next to the bed and began to cover his hands and cock. Gently, he slipped his index finger into Rimmer’s entrance, eliciting a moan of relief from him. Soon a second and third finger joined, stretching Rimmer wider and drawing out more moans. 

“Please.” Rimmer whispered. “Do it now.”

Lister removed his fingers, slid his cock inside Rimmer and began thrusting slowly. As his pace quickened, he moved his hand around to rub Rimmer’s cock but a hand slapped it away.

“N-No.” Rimmer managed to stutter. “Together.”

Lister suddenly became aware of Rimmer struggling to contain the orgasm building inside him and, that thought in his head, he felt a tingle of pleasure in his lower body as his own started to grow. 

A final thrust into Rimmer and Lister was coming, the sensation spreading through his body as he emptied into Rimmer; the force of Rimmer’s own orgasm sending a second wave of pleasure through him. They collapsed onto the bed against each other with raggedy breath.

*********

A few minutes later, Rimmer perched at the end of the bed, perfect clothes and hair back in place while Lister sat up against the pillows, covered in a blanket, his feet resting on Rimmer’s lap, cigarette in his mouth. 

“Do you really have to smoke that in here?” Rimmer asked; a look of mock disdain on his face.

“But, it’s traditional to smoke after sex.” Lister defended. “I always have and I always will.” 

“Well just try and keep it away from me, then.” Rimmer said, but when Lister looked away a small smile crept over his face. Rimmer loved the sight of Lister smoking.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it x


End file.
